I had a lot of time to think while riding the European country side (thanks to Christine for listening to me think out loud for over a month) and decided I was sick of old patterns. During our session, Km was on the ball with all of that. She mentioned my desire to control situations in order to not be disappointed by others, only I can disappoint Me. Makes sense. Also she mentioned my inability to develop relationships, preferring to keep things short and sweet as to not get distracted, disappointed and eventually hurt. Keeping my schedule nice and overloaded allows me to have an excuse not to see the people in my life, which facilitates the above mentioned. I was blown away by our session. These were the things she said, that stood out the most on my list of priorities of things to deal with. I felt stoned for hours afterwards. The only thing I could think of was "yeah, I knew all that, now what?" It's nice to hear someone solidify your thoughts, make them go from fuzzy gray to black on white.
So I've decided to do something about it. Why not. I am putting an effort into letting things happen. Just, happen by themselves. Like that, like magic. Apparently it's been working for thousands of years. We'll see.
I've simplified my schedule and left open spaces for.. whatever it is that is just supposed to "happen" now. Km told me to pay attention to details, notice what is different, what is changing. And I have. I've noticed that I react differently in what would have been uncomfortable situations before. My brain process is more relaxed, less logical. I am, however, finding it very difficult to stay still. My next challenge could be mediation! Sitting still, and not doing anything (sorry to the meditators out there, I realize it's more then that!) Of course it's a slow process, but I feel like this isn't just a sack of shit. These realizations feel good and right and like it's going to make me a more complete and humble being.
I am happy to say that help is coming to the Hostel, and in much larger numbers then I thought. This means I will be able to retire myself from the inside and concentrate on the logistics, finally. AND FREE TIME! I am waiting for my girls to pick me up for a morning walk as we speak. Had supper on Maelstroms new terrace last night with the gang. Maybe start a new book and go shopping with myself later. Plant my garden. Mmmm.. dreamy. I have a date with my mom this week, a new bike being done up the way I want it and a hair appointment. Life is good.
It's funny how fast and efficiently you receive what you've asked for, when you put enough energy into those thoughts. I've effortlessly received a job that just so happens to challenge me in all the areas I wanted to focus on. With a boss who is going to teach me a lot and already has. Coincidentally, this also led me to meet a boy. A quite handsome one too, who is also challenging me in all the right ways.
Lot's of new everything. It looks like it's going to be a very pleasant summer.
